Tricks Of Triumph
by xoxoxJullie Sweet Holicxoxox
Summary: There were three things i didn't want the world knowing. 1.) i'm bi 2.)That i am in LOVE with Sakura Haruno and most of all 3.) i am going to murder sasuke uchiha and serve his liver on a dango. NaruHina story minor shounen-ai but for only humor's sake. R
1. Chapter 1

Chappy 1 the triumphinator

Disclaimer: i am misashi kishimoto. That's japanese for,"not my name". I make no profit off this fanfic.

Chapter 1

There were three things i didn't want the world knowing.  
1) i'm bi  
"Hey dobe."  
"Teme."  
"what brings you to the gym on this unpleasantly sunny after noon?"  
Emo-bastard.  
"Uh.. Working out." i lied. I totally came here to ask kiba out but the teme didn't have to know that. EVER.  
"Working out?"  
"Yeah."  
"Out side?"  
"Yeah."  
"...in an orange dress shirt and jeans?"  
"Shut it, teme."  
"Very tacky by the way."  
BITCH! FUCK YOU.  
"Everyone has different oppinions."  
I coughed out lamely. He rolled his eyes and plopped down next to me.  
Cue shit eating smirk... Now!  
"Waiting for someone?" uchiha grinned at me in an i-want-the-uchiha-name-beaten-out-of-my-pompous-head sort of way.  
I contimplated the results of me punching him in his much too perfect nose but decided against it at the after thought of me with my head closed in a dumpster.  
"...yeah." i answered slowly, hinting that i didn't want him to pry but uchiha's are bastardized little fuckers who read the hell outta you like sharingan and blatantly decide to ignore it.  
"Is it a guy? You know this gym doesn't assisst female members."  
I felt like my stomach was in my butt and my heart in my throat, although i could feel it's steady beat in my chest.  
"I - i- uh.."  
"Don"t tell me, is the little dobe gay?"  
Shit. .  
"No, not,.. Exactly." do i strive to be lame?  
"Hmm.. Let me guess. It's... Kiba?"  
"So fucking what if it is? You cock sucking shit faced bastard?"  
Wish i said that.  
"...yeah." i answered.

2) that i am in LOVE with sakura haruno

"Sakura!" ino whispered to her pinkette friend next to her in history.  
" what do you want pig?" she snapped and ino rolled her eyes.  
" loser dobe at 3'oclock." she jabbed a manicured finger in my direction and for a full three seconds i forgot how to smile. The minute i remembered, i was being flipped off by both yamanaka and the lovely haruno and before my pride was fully shattered, uchiha made sure he stepped in to chidori the rest of it.  
Son of a b-  
Who am i kidding? He IS the mother fucking bitch! And you wanna know the stupid shit i said?  
" hey uchiha. Cool jacket."  
WHAT. THE. FUUUUUUCK.  
"you looking at my girl,huh, dobe?" he shoved me so hard my chair tipped back and i clanked to the floor noisily. The classroom erupted in laughter and my face probably matched that of a tomato.  
"Pak yew beeches!"  
Haha what if i really had the balls to stand up to these jerks? Everyone in my class hated me. That is except for one.

3) i am going to murder sasuke uchiha and serve his liver on a dango

"And and and and and THEN! The stupid ass mother fucking shit eater fucking pushed my fucking chest fucking stupid fuck! Fuck him!" i screamed in rage, taking another drag on my cigarette that actually started out as shikamaru's and i have no idea how it got in my hands.  
Hinata nodded tentatively, poking her fingers together awkwardly.  
That's what i loved about my bestie hinata. She kept quiet when i was ranting on and on about how my life sucks, and how eating orochi-pedo-maru's mini man thongs sounded more pleasant than the conditions of my life now.  
"troublesome..." shika muttered and i wondered if he meant me or the teme. Or just life in general.  
"I'm s-sorry t- to hear th'that n-naruto-kun." hinata stuttered, blushing like this was brad pitt's strip tease. Or uchiha's. Which it wasn't.  
"Let's go out to ramen so i can clear my head." i stomped my boot onto the cig, extinguishing it.  
"Are you going to do this every time? Run away from the matter only to run right back into it?"

Who da fuuuuuuuuc-

"Turn around, numbskulls."  
The eery voice growled and we all(me, hina, and shika) turned to see a short ginger guy and ino. Oh, wait. That wasn't ino, that was that hot dude who looked kinda like her. Deidara, wasn't it?

"Wh-what do you mean?" hinata questioned.  
"What we mean is- we've been watching you."  
"holy shit," shika breathed, and we all eyed him wearily.  
"Who are you?" see how jean-yuss i am? Ass-king dah most important kwess-chan first?  
"Deidara and sasori. Black veil dolls is our business." sasori handed hinata the card. She eyed it suspiciously then passed it to me. I swear if this shit blew up in my face...  
"What's your business?" shika didn't sound interested, but i was so i listened to the answer.  
"Summoning, voo-doo, black magic." deidara answered.  
" not into that sort of thing. Come on guys. It's ramen time." we began to walk away when they said,  
"what about spirits?"  
" i'm not interested okay?"  
"What if this spirit grants power, game, confidence?" they were speaking in unison so either they were weird ass fucking twins or they rehearsed it to the T.  
"... Keep talking." i turned.  
" for each of you i can find a spirit that will take out you're biggest challenge." deidara persuaded our yound innocent(haha) minds.  
"And completely crush them, into dust."

To my beloved teme,

Suck on that thirsty trick!

Author's note: sorry this was so short but i'm sleepy and it's five in the morning, i've got church, yada.  
But i had fun writing this. What do you think? More?

Feed back is love

Comment because you know it's right!


	2. Chapter 2

Boo-yeow!

Chapter 2 finally up!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

there are certain facts in life that people like me, hinata, and shikamaru should have known before getting involved with deidara and sasori.

1) karma's a bitch

"are services aren't exactly free so i'm going to have to ask you each to cough up $50 each."  
what teh fuck.  
i just gaped at them like they were crazy while hinata rumpled through her jacket pockets noisely and shikamaru picked his ears.  
"you know the price should have come in before you sugar coated this. hey, like, what the fuck are we supposed to be doing anyway. we don't have to like, feed honey to candle light and eat salt bread and shit, right?" i asked, leaning back on the log that i was seated on. we were sitting around a crackling bon fire in the middle of some trailer park off the coast of no where, waiting for these shady emos to tell us what the freak we were about to do anyway.  
"no, imbocile, we are going to summon spirits specially suited for your problems. now, everyone, hold hands."

FUCK. THAT.

"hell no! what are you weirdos trying to pull? and why do you keep speaking in unison?" i pointed and accusing finger at the two. they looked at each other, then back at me, then each other, then at me, then each other... you get the idea.

"take our hands if you want to live." hinata immediately took hold of deidara's hand and the blond ino look-a-like smirked. although slow and lazily, shikamaru took hold of hinata's hand and her cheeks exploded with an unsightly red blush.  
"what the fuck? if i want to live? what the hell are you guys talking about?" i demanded. they did that,'look at us looking at you', thing again then finally spoke.  
"we can see past, present and future.

[and on this farm he had some horses, E-I-E-I-O. with a horse shit here and a horse shit there...]

"deidara has looked into your past," Sasori for the first time spoke alone."he see's torment, loneliness, and longing for revenge."

well that was on point. but you could also find that shit out from my facebook status.

"and Sasori see's your future. you will take your revenge in a shooting at school."

like-a-boss.

"but uchiha will always have the upper hand. there will you meet your demise." they said at once. i gulped, eyeing them warily. it sounded just like the story of my life i had mentally written for myself so many times. the could be bull shitting me though. or this could be real. they could be saving my life.

"alright. i'll do it." i surrendered.  
"good. now take my hand." sasori said. and i did.

2) never EVER perform voo-doo magic and then smoke weed

"hina-chan, what TEH freak." was all i could say that next morning at school. hinata turned away from her locker with a worried expression.  
"Naruto-kun, you sh-shouldn't have come to school today. you need rest."  
"fuck that," i drawled, leaning against the lockers."i feel~ weird~"

"do y-you h-have to puke?" hinata questioned. i nodded. she helped me over to a trash can and i released all of my poptart into the waste basket.  
shit.

"Are you sure you're okay?" she asked. i nodded yes, and slumped against the wall to the floor. she slumped with me.

"My head feels like it's gonna explode. my stomach too."

"Maybe you just need to shit." shikamaru seemed to have appeared out of nowhere.


	3. Chapter 3

Consequences 4 gett'n whatcha want

Chapter 3 is hee-ya!

.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.

There comes a time in one's life where you get so tired of bull that you are literally on the brink of insanity.  
But when you finally stand up to said bull and punch it in the nose so hard that they taste boogers there will be some consequences to your smug satisfaction that you infact have finally gotten what you wanted.

Consequences for gett'n whatcha want:

1) the girl of your dreams (in my case sakura) will talk to you

"Naruto-kun!" a high pitch feminen voice called out to me. I turned around only to find an illusion. An illusion of sakura running up to me waving her pale manicured hand. I mean it had to be an illusion. Sakura would NEVER talk to me. Ever. Would she?  
"Y-yeah?" smooth naruto. Smooooth.  
"that back there," she began, shaking her pink head."that was something."  
"refreshingly youthful! Is what i'd say!" rock lee seemed to have appeared out of thin air. Thus ruining this moment and shattering my will to live.  
"yeah, yeah. Whatevs. So, how about instead of going to sasu-gay's party, you come to my party instead?" she suggested.  
"wait, i thought uchiha was your boyfriend." i asked quizically.  
"please, that faggot? [i apologize for all crewd language] come to my party though. It's gonna be great." and she sauntered off, hips swaying in her form fitting mini dress and wedges. God, sakura is beautiful.  
"indeed she is!" rock loser spoke up.  
"holy shit, dude. Did you just read my mind?"

2) you'll go to the best party of your life and have a GREAT time

"why now all of a sudden did you decide to put uchiha in his place?" kiba inuzuka asked me while downing a shot of liquor. (A/N: i do NOT promote teen alchohol abuse) i tried to shrug casually but my fear of superior beings was probably written all over my face.  
"uh.. I don't know. Something just kind of came over me. I've got no clue what it was."  
"well props to you man. We were all sick and tired of that bastard." kankuro raised his tiny glass for everyone to clink and we did.

3) this will happen

"who wants to play spin the bottle?" inuzuka said, turning the booze bottle on it's side, thus wasting it's contents.  
"Who wants to play 'fuck that'?" sakura seethed in sarcasm, rolling her eyes.  
"I want to fuck that." kiba said pervertedly. Grrrrr...  
"did you just fucking growl at me?" kiba stared at me incredulously. Did i? I thought that was in my head. Does he have mind reading powers too?  
"uh.." was all i uttered before sakura, yes THE sakura haruno, sat on my lap. "he's just trying to protect me from mutts like you." she said with a sexy kitten like smirk.  
Yum.  
"Whatever." kiba walked away. I instantly relaxed 10%. The other 90 was still on over drive for having my future wife sitting on my lap. It took every fiber of my being to not imagine her naked. Oops. Too late.  
"sooooo, what do you wanna do?" she asked while tweedling a strand of my blond hair.  
Sex!  
"Uh... I dunno. We could um.. Talk?"

[and the grammy award winner for biggest DORK goes out to: *drum roll* NARUTO UZUMAKIIIII!]

"i've got... A better idea." she half said, half mumbled, running a mannied finger nail down my t-shirt front and stopping at my belt.  
Mybreath hitched in my throat. This is so gonna happen! I am so in there!  
"naruto-kun." hinata's voice suddenly broke my (perverted) train of thought. She was standing there in her usual attire. Some baggy winter coat and a ankle length skirt but something was off about her. Her cheeks were flushed and her eyebrows seemed to furrow a bit in anger. She looked back and forth between sakura and me.  
"Naruto-kun. We should go." she spoke firmly but i was so distracted i didn't notice she wasn't stuttering.  
"we should what?" i gasped.  
"we. Should. Go. NOW."  
Bitch, please. With this hard-on?  
"But hinata-"  
"We have to go now! We have somewhere we need to be!" she exclaimed. Everybody gaped at her.  
"what the fuck is up with you? Psycho bitch." ino yamanaka, sakura's bff, snorted. So did all the other groupies hanging around.  
"psycho bitch, huh?" hinata mumbled under her breath and i gulped. I had never heard hinata say a cuss in her life. " you think i'm a psycho bitch?"

Ino and sakura passed a confused glance before shrieking when they realized hinata had them by their hair.  
"What the fuck?! Let go!" sakura screamed and i could only stare in horror. Who was this master of disguise who has made herself into a hinata look-a-like?  
"you thought i was being a psycho bitch then? You think i was being a psycho bitch then? I'll show you a mother fucking psycho bitch you fucking tarts!" hinata roared then brought the two shrieking girl's heads together with a fierce clunk, rendering both girls unconcious.

Everything was silent in the haruno house hold. Even the music had stopped. Hinata stood there, huffing angrily then her pale eyes fell on me.  
ShitShitShitShitShit!

4) payback's a Bee-yoooootch

"We understand that you three have been going through changes." deidara and sasori said, once again simultaneously.  
"yeah, what the fuck is all this? What's happening? We aren't gonna get raped by a honey eating sillouhette with rings are we?" i questioned.  
"where. The FUCK. Did you get a notion like that, un?" deidara asked me and i decided now would be a great time to sit down and shut the fuck up.  
"now that you've gotten your,'free sample', of sorts, pay up." sasori held out his hand.  
"w-wait, but shikamaru-kun hasn't changed." hinata stammered.  
"actually," shikamaru pulled out a stack of paper from his back pack.  
"Holy shit!" i exclaimed, gaping at what was test papers with 100% scrawled on them. Now everyone knows that shikamaru is a lazy, indifferent, degenerate. He does school work and passes tests as often as i fuck sakura.  
That means never.  
"well, whoop-dee fucking doo, shika. Now we owe them $50." i grumbled.  
"Well, uzumaki-san, you atleast get a discount because you're the chosen one."  
"excuse me?" i looked up from my wallet.  
"you are chosen as the jinchuriki's host, un"  
DA FUCK?  
"Da fuck?" i spoke my thought. Both deidara and sasori sighed exsasperately and i wanted to punch them. Like their logic made soooooo much seeeeeeense.  
"You have the jinchuriki inside you."  
"jin-what?" i scratched my head.  
"JIN-FUCKING-CHURIKI! In other words, you have been possessed- oh, shit- CHOSEN to be the host of the nine tailed fox spirit. But without you knowing it you lend your tails to your friends."  
Shiiiiiiiit.  
"That's really good. You should write a novel." shikamaru lit a cigarette.  
"You don't believe us? Well then perhaps we should bring in some one who has made a similar deal onlywith a snake jinchuriki instead."

The sound of grass crunching beneath shoes made us turn our heads. And i swear my jaw about hit the ground as i gasped in shock and horror at who had arrive through the trees.

"hello, uzumaki."

Uchiha.

A/N: sooooooooo how have yooooou been? I've been great actually. I hope everyone's enjoying this story so far. Shout out to the lovely and wonderful Ice Queen for her comments (you make me smile, kid.) and i pray that others will get the same balls she has to comment too. I also apologize for my crewd language and humour. I don't usually talk like this. It's just how i interpret naruto's feelings without going mushy or ooc. Also, are there any readers of this story who are also reading Kick-ass? I'm going to post one more chapter todaybut if a week passes and i have no comments on Kick-ass i'm removing it because i can safely assume that no one likes it. So i fyou are a fan of Kick-ass only you can save it! You have to tell me you like/hate it or it will be discontinued!  
That is all.  
C: comments are love baby

Comment because you know it's right!


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